NHL Playoff Guide

I know Crosby fever has begun to run rampant on the 'Burgh and its surrounding suburbs as it does every April when playoff hockey starts. This means some of the Penguin faithful may not be too familiar with the sport of hockey. I have decided to give a little starter course on what a new hockey fan needs to know about the NHL playoffs. The first thing we must discuss are the common phrases to yell at given points in a game. If we have the puck, simply say "shoot it". If the other team has the puck you yell "hit somebody". If Fleury leaves the net to play the puck we yell "get back in the net Fleury". And if the other team scores we say "what the hell Fleury?" Now that you know the vernacular, we move on to your physical appearance. Most importantly, the most obvious tradition is the playoff beard. Many fans choose to grow a playoff beard along with the team. But once you commit, you commit. Put the razors away until June. No shaving because it's hot, because you have a graduation party to go to, or because your boss threatened to fire you because you look like a caveman. There are other jobs in the world, right? If you shave and we lose, then it's obviously your fault. You are allowed to shave once we win the Cup and not a second before. After we win you can shave for the job interview that you will certainly be going to because you got fired from your old job. But it will be worth it when Sid raises that cup again. If you can't commit, then don't start. Commit to something else like a lucky Pens shirt (I'll be going on to my third shirt tonight). For example, I wore my Stanley Cup champs shirt for game one, we lost, obviously not the lucky shirt. I changed to a Geno jersey and we won the next three games, good luck. Lost game five, time for a new shirt. You can set your alarm by players numbers for luck (Ex 7:29 for Eaton and Fleury). But back to the beard, Even if you cannot grow a full beard, you still are required to try, there is no trimming it into a goatee. Only after a loss are you allowed to trim the beard. While winning, you must rock your Joe Dirt white trash facial hair if it's all you can grow. Next, if you grow the beard, you grow your hair for the same amount of time. Don't ask why, these are just the rules. If you know someone growing a beard for another team and they get eliminated it is your duty to the city of Pittsburgh to make sure they shave it and do not try to jump on our bandwagon. You are also required to call them names such as "babyface" and do anything else you can to make sure they know they are inferior to we Penguin fans. If your girlfriend doesn't like the beard, that's tough shit for her. This is for the Cup and some things are just more important than what she thinks. Besides, the Pens have hot fans, many of whom would appreciate your playoff beard. If she does not like it, I suggest you re-think your priorities and perhaps move on to a female Pens fan who will be turned on by your sense of commitment. Women, since you cannot grow beards, can feel free to do anything else that may help the team. If these tasks include getting your man a beer or a sandwich so he doesn't have to get out of his lucky seat, so be it. It's all for the team baby.