Don't Give In America

For the first time in my life, I actually cared about soccer. Too bad it only lasted a week. I should say that I made my best attempt to care about soccer, but I just don't. I hate it. It may be the most popular sport in the world, but I feel it is by far the most un-American. It's sickening to see grown men flailing to the ground like the were just picked off by a sniper every time an opposing player kicked them in the shin. In my opinion there is nothing more embarrassing than blatantly faking an injury, but apparently in this stupid sport, it's actually rewarded. I don't know how it works in the rest of the world, but here in our country, we value toughness, not bitch-ass-ness. I feel like the rest of the world is trying to sucker us into believing this is a real sport just because they aren't any good at anything else. So you beat us in soccer, how good is your baseball team, Ghana? With our economy in a decline, I feel we as Americans need to hang on to our last bit of rugged individualism. That being, that we are the only nation who overall doesn't give a shit about the World Cup. But the problem is, soccer is gaining popularity in the U.S. How can this be? I have figured out exactly whose fault this is. I personally blame the moms of American. Yup, that's right, it's the fault of women. It's those overprotective moms who don't want their child to ever have to bear the failure of a bases-loaded strike out or take a puck to the teeth like a man, who direct their kids to soccer, where the only boo-boos are the ones you fake to get a penalty. Wouldn't want your kid to actually snap a femur, just pretend he did. Moms feel that getting hurt isn't a part of soccer, but pretending to get hurt is. I don't know about any of you, but I remember when I was little and the things my mom didn't want me to do were the fun ones, and the things she deemed safe usually sucked. So if mom thinks soccer is safe, how cool can it be? Okay sure, I'll admit I cheered for the U.S.A., but that's because I'm an American, not a soccer fan. And in a nail-biting scoreless tie in the elimination game, I fell asleep. You think would ever happen during the Super Bowl or the World Series? Hell no! For God's sake I could watch curling without falling asleep. That's why I feel it is our duty as Americans to regain our defining characteristic, and that is that we could care less about the sport that is worshiped everywhere else. South America and Asia can keep it because I just don't get it. What is there to like? People go nuts over this sport and I struggle to stay awake. Other people see endurance and skill, I see moppy haired Communists grabbing their shins every time someone breathes on them. Oh and let's not forget, NO ONE SCORES! They run around for three hours, and sometimes, if you're lucky, someone ALMOST scores. I watched a few games, and here is what my American eyes saw. First off, the fans are ridiculous. There are way too many grown men wearing capes. I knew people who wore capes in high school, they were nerds, and so are you people. They see soccer game, I see renaissance fair. Secondly was the stupid horns the fans blew into for three straight hours. It sounded like a swarm of bees. I thought something was wrong with my TV. I mean in America we have our own sounds that we play, like "We Will Rock You" or even "Sweet Caroline", but nothing played at a constant annoying level for hours on end. Another thing I hate is how excited guys get when they score. If you feel the need to take your shirt off and do a belly flop when you score then you are way too excited. Of course you are probably this excited because you only score two goals a month in your sport. The player is basically saying "I'm so amazed someone scored that I can't even stay dressed." I can't even say it enough, soccer sucks! The fans suck, the girly players suck, the referees suck for letting the players be such girls, and the sport just in general sucks. By writing this I have done my duty as an American for the day. Salute