NHL Playoff Guide

I know Crosby fever has begun to run rampant on the 'Burgh and its surrounding suburbs as it does every April when playoff hockey starts. This means some of the Penguin faithful may not be too familiar with the sport of hockey. I have decided to give a little starter course on what a new hockey fan needs to know about the NHL playoffs. The first thing we must discuss are the common phrases to yell at given points in a game. If we have the puck, simply say "shoot it". If the other team has the puck you yell "hit somebody". If Fleury leaves the net to play the puck we yell "get back in the net Fleury". And if the other team scores we say "what the hell Fleury?" Now that you know the vernacular, we move on to your physical appearance. Most importantly, the most obvious tradition is the playoff beard. Many fans choose to grow a playoff beard along with the team. But once you commit, you commit. Put the razors away until June. No shaving because it's hot, because you have a graduation party to go to, or because your boss threatened to fire you because you look like a caveman. There are other jobs in the world, right? If you shave and we lose, then it's obviously your fault. You are allowed to shave once we win the Cup and not a second before. After we win you can shave for the job interview that you will certainly be going to because you got fired from your old job. But it will be worth it when Sid raises that cup again. If you can't commit, then don't start. Commit to something else like a lucky Pens shirt (I'll be going on to my third shirt tonight). For example, I wore my Stanley Cup champs shirt for game one, we lost, obviously not the lucky shirt. I changed to a Geno jersey and we won the next three games, good luck. Lost game five, time for a new shirt. You can set your alarm by players numbers for luck (Ex 7:29 for Eaton and Fleury). But back to the beard, Even if you cannot grow a full beard, you still are required to try, there is no trimming it into a goatee. Only after a loss are you allowed to trim the beard. While winning, you must rock your Joe Dirt white trash facial hair if it's all you can grow. Next, if you grow the beard, you grow your hair for the same amount of time. Don't ask why, these are just the rules. If you know someone growing a beard for another team and they get eliminated it is your duty to the city of Pittsburgh to make sure they shave it and do not try to jump on our bandwagon. You are also required to call them names such as "babyface" and do anything else you can to make sure they know they are inferior to we Penguin fans. If your girlfriend doesn't like the beard, that's tough shit for her. This is for the Cup and some things are just more important than what she thinks. Besides, the Pens have hot fans, many of whom would appreciate your playoff beard. If she does not like it, I suggest you re-think your priorities and perhaps move on to a female Pens fan who will be turned on by your sense of commitment. Women, since you cannot grow beards, can feel free to do anything else that may help the team. If these tasks include getting your man a beer or a sandwich so he doesn't have to get out of his lucky seat, so be it. It's all for the team baby.

A Question of "Morality"

Hey Ben, I don't know if you know this, but you really have things screwed up right now. This alleged assault, suspension, and possible trade have officially overtaken my life. I have heard everyone's opinion and the funny part is, every single one of those opinions has a point or two that I agree with. People say you can't suspend a guy who committed no crime. I agree... kind of. But apparently you can. The NFL has a personal conduct policy and can punish you if they feel you violate it. People say he's a creep. I agree, but does that make him a criminal? It does not. People say they traded Santonio, they should trade Ben. I'm on the fence here. They did step onto a slippery slope when they said "zero tolerance" and shipped Tone out for one too many wake and bakes. And yes rape is much much worse than blazing some grass, but there is one big glaring point. Holmes was proven guilty, Ben wasn't. People say, what if that was your daughter? I like to think that my daughter would not be in the bar wasted and underage, but she's in college and I'm not there to stop her. My reply, what if your son was being wrongly accused of rape? No one wants to look at that side of it. People are failing to realize that there is a chance that he is innocent of the crime. Don't get me wrong, he's still a dumbass, but not necessarily a criminal. People say six games is too much. But it's conditional, and it will end up only being four games. I mean this is pretty much the best case scenario for him. He's not in jail. All he got was a suspension for poor behavior and judgement... could be worse. I mean if a guy went to jail every time they took advantage of a sorority girl's drunkenness then I would... ah nevermind. That's a whole other story. My biggest complaint is for the people who want to talk about his morals. If the league suspended every player who did something immoral then there would be no one to play besides the Manning boys. Most of all, I love the fans who say they won't watch or attend games if Ben plays. Hey, stay home, I'll take those season tickets. But those people are all talk. My guess is, you'll go to the game, get hammered in the parking lot, drop F bombs in front of eight year olds the whole game, throw up, piss yourself, fall asleep for the whole second half, then go out and drive home drunk. But you have morals, right? Bottom line, He's a top five quarterback in the league. Those don't just show up on the doorstep every day. He gets paid to win football games, which he does pretty well, not for being a nice guy, which he is not. The coaches and owners are not judge and jury. While it is part of their job to make sure players conduct themselves properly, a bigger part is to put a winning product on the field. Love him or hate him, trading him is bad for business. The four to six game suspension is his punishment and no matter how much people keep barking and whining, that's all it's going to be. After that, the issue is over. If he goes the rest of his career without incident, and wins three or four more Super Bowls, I hope he does it in the black and gold. And I bet our "moral" fans will forget about this pretty quick when the wins start piling up again.

Where Was This All Season?

Are these the same guys we watched at the end of the regular season? I'm beginning to feel like the Pens might have been messing with us. Two weeks ago I thought we might be a first round out. Now it looks like we're solid cup contenders, if not favorites, in the East. Fleury has yet to play that great, out of his mind, playoff game, but after game one he's been solid. His numbers in the regular season were way down, bottom third in the league in the major goal tending categories, and I was the first to criticize. But that all goes out the window come playoff time. It is not that I thought he was a bad goalie all season, he just wasn't playing well and no one wanted to admit it. But as they say, the proof was in the pudding. Danny Disco was yanking him once a week and we weren't winning unless we were scoring four or five goals. But it's playoff time now, and its where M.A.F. shines. He has over 30 playoff wins for the Pens and I'm pretty sure he's only like 15 years old. That's a pretty good resume` for a young goalie, considering most goalies actually hit their prime in their late 20s. Oh yeah, he has a Stanley Cup under his belt too. So it's official, I'm off Fleury's back, for now. Next comes the D. Gonchar is a beast on the power play but I think his play is falling off at even strength. Even so, he's one of the best in the league. We found out what happens when Tanger hits the net. Orpik has more hits than Casey Kasem, and is having by far his best season in the black and gold. GoGo hasn't done anything spectacular but he's been solid overall. Mark Eaton is the most underrated player on the team, that's a fact. McKee filled in seamlessly for Leopold, who I'm pretty sure is drinking his dinner through a straw still. I don't even have to talk about our centers, they're three of the best in the league, although it wouldn't kill Staalsy to put on in the net every once in a while. Geno has an extra jump in his step and is mixing it up every shift. I really think he wants to fight someone. Must be the mom's borscht. And don't forget Max Talbot who plays at a whole other level in the playoffs. But I'm most impressed by our wingers. Kunitz has been a buzzsaw the whole series. It's not on the score sheet but he is hitting everything that moves. Ponikarovski finally showed up physically in game two and played even better in game three. Even Craig Adams scored a goal. The guy hasn't scored in 111 regular season games but has four goals in our last 13 playoff games. Talk about good timing. The physical presence the Pens have showed is a complete one-eighty from the way they were playing to close out the season. We are making guys pay the price every time they touch the puck, and that takes a toll on the body over a seven game series. Ottawa is just about beat into submission and if they fall to the Pens again tonight this series is as good as over in my opinion. Man, I just realized I didn't mention Sid in this whole article... He's the best player on earth. Okay, I'm done.